Spitting mad...

The Conservative Party must be delighted that the seminal, rubber-puppetted satire show Spitting Image is no longer on air.

Several of the shadow cabinet would not look too good as caricatures, but shadow chancellor George Osborne would not have to worry: bizarrely, he already looks like a Spitting Image puppet.

No need for a caricature

Yesterday on the ‘world stage’ he spoke like a school prefect and during his “ovation” looked like a data entry clerk who’d suddenly found himself promoted beyond his ability… hang on a sec.

Osborne would be prime Spitting Image material.

He is a former member of the Bullingdon Club, a notorious Oxford University dining group “‘infamous for “trashing” restaurants and other riotous behaviour’ and ‘open only to sons of aristocratic families and the super-rich’”.*

The Bullingdon Club prepared

Osborne for 'real' life

David Cameron was also a member, so at least we have two people in the shadow cabinet fully cognisant of what motivates the ASBO generation. But presumably, if you can afford to pay for the damage your vandalism causes that’s OK.

Osborne said, on more than one occasion yesterday “we are all in this together”; in the same way, presumably, that everybody was equal in Animal Farm…

The Tories aren’t the only people who should be grateful Spitting Image ceased transmission in 1996. Tony Blair’s Labour Government would have suffered hugely at the hands of Fluck and Law.

Which got me thinking… (yeah, I know – here we go)

JOHN PRESCOTT: Obviously he would be as round as he was tall, with rolls of fat falling over Union Jack silk boxing shorts. He’d wear boxing gloves and all the time he was talking he’d be either shadow boxing or stuffing his face with pies. The only other item of clothing would be an adult catch-all bib round his neck like those worn by babies.

HAZEL BLEARS: I’ve no idea why I see her like this but I imagine her as a wartime landgirl wearing a knotted, spotted headscarf. But most importantly she would have over her shoulder a step ladder so she could sit atop it during cabinet meetings.

Bleary eyed - see what I did there?

ROBIN COOK: Obviously a bearded gnome, but instead of the normal gnome get-up it would be an open-neck shirt with huge medallion and he would sidle up to people in a very slimy manner befitting a lothario of such stature. And he would constantly need sub-titles.

HIS ROYAL HIGHNESS TONY BLAIR: Just a normal caricature in a smart grey or navy blue suit. But he has a halo. And as the camera pans out it is clear the halo is held in place by a stick held by Alistair Campbell. Every time Blair appears there is a heavenly flash of light and the sound of a choir; as soon as he steps forward Campbell then ushers the choir and a TV lighting crew out of shot.

Sadly Fluck and Law are no longer in the UK. One is in Australia the other in Cornwall. But if anybody is planning on bringing the show back I’d just like to say I am available for conceptual meetings, script sessions and voice-overs.

• If you’re too young to remember Spitting Image check out some of the clips here. These are mainly the songs but still worth a gander.

*Taken from Wikipedia so it must be true…

The Sun always shines on the winner

I caught just a little of BBC Breakfast this morning - it was at the moment the wonderful Sian Williams asked if The Sun's withdrawal of its support for Labour will affect the result of next year's general election.

I'm sure there are some, many of them working in the Murdoch empire, who believe it will. Personally I believe apart from those who read Socialist Worker and the Daily Mail, the majority of newspaper readers aren't likely to be aware of the political leanings of their chosen organ.

Those who take The Sun for instance are hardly likely to put "because it backs New Labour" as their no1 reason for purchasing the paper. In fact they're not likely to see the question at all unless it sits on page three, where luscious Lavinia from Letchworth opines that "I believe data collection of the demographic of Sun readers is essential to the well-being of small children and animals in our country and I applaud the steps being taken by News International."

My own political leanings are slightly left of centre, but that is not necessarily reflected in my choice of reading. I get a national newspaper only at weekends and am just as likely to buy The Times or The Independent as I am the Guardian. I've even been known to take the Daily Telegraph if it has a decent DVD to give away.

And, despite finding many of his views abhorrent, I thoroughly enjoy reading the columns of motoring fascist Jeremy Clarkson.

For all the political posturing of The Sun, the exchange of horses mid-stream is irrelevant to the result: Labour will lose and the Tories will win, despite the absence of any tangible policies. That's a given. Gordon Brown has made sure of that.

All The Sun has done is make sure it doesn't back the loser. And you can't blame them for that.