No need to thank me guys

I’m not losing my hair – though it would not bother me adversely if I did.

It’s a pain; I prefer my hair short but SWMBO reckons it makes me look like a ‘thug’. Her words not mine. That view is echoed by our offspring, so I have to keep my hair at a length which keeps them happy and not, necessarily, me.

Their argument is that they have to look at me, I don’t. An argument it’s difficult to rebuff. So if I started to lose my hair it might be a blessing in disguise. Not least because it would save me around £120 per year.

Many of my mates have started losing their hair at a shocking rate. Some have lost it all before they’ve even reached their 40s. Others shave their head at the first sign of a handful of the stuff in the shower tray.

I like this idea and check every morning to see if I’m starting to lose it. Sadly, not yet. And my hair stylist – we don’t have a barber round these parts – reckons I won’t lose it now I’ve attained this age with a full head of hair.

But I think I may have hit on a cure for baldness. None of that being licked by a cow rubbish or rubbing some horrible gelatinous substance into your scalp thrice daily. No my solution is scientifically proven (almost).

While hair on one’s head appears to fall out in an arbitrary manner the hair in nostrils or ears continues to grow at an astonishing pace and with great efficacy.

So the simple solution appears to be to transplant some internal nostril membrane or ear flesh on to the scalp to get a new head of hair in . . . oh I estimate around six weeks.

It may not be an exact science, but I’m not exactly a scientist. I’ve offered up the basis of a solution so it’s now up to those working in white coats to sort it out for the benefit of society as a whole.

And if it comes off I’d like to say here and now I’d be happy with five per cent of the profits. Please send cheques to . . .

Jeremy Clarkson eat your heart out - 26 years
ago I wasn't concerned about short hair