I'm an atheist - but I'm starting to believe in a superior being.
That would be a superior being who held grudges against non-believers. And I believe the Christian version of this deity shows suggestions of a vengeful side.
Isn't there something in the Bible, maybe in one of the letters to Corinthian Casuals - who amazingly still play in Ryman League division one south more than 2,000 years later - about 'you will believe in me or I shall come unto thee with a red-hot poker and some snakes and do some nasty stuff on you ass'... (all in a Samuel L Jackson voice I would imagine).
Anyway, I digress. I'm starting to feel I'm being singled out for somebody's sadistic amusement. Somebody out for revenge over something I've done previously ... like not believing.
I've considered other possibilities. I'm also a staunch anti-fascist, an anti-monarchist, and have sung songs about Southampton supporters scrabbling around in refuse looking for supper; but I'm not sure any of these groups wield sufficient influence as to conjure up illness at will.
I realise the Royal Family are pretty powerful, but what with having idiot sons who say bankers bonuses are "minute" I think they have more than enough problems, without concerning themselves with a fat bloke in Hampshire who thinks the £41.5m taxpayers spent on the Royals in 2008 was a tad excessive in a desperate economic climate.
No, I'm pretty sure it's one of His minions who's got it in for me and mine.
The evidence is pretty damning. In August, having saved up for a year, we were all set to go on a family holiday until I was diagnosed with cellulitis, 24 hours before we were due to fly.
Having recouped around 95 per cent of our outlay through the insurance, we decided to go away in the October half-term instead. But prices were even higher than in the summer so we settled instead for me having the week off and doing day trips out.
This time, it was our youngest, Ben, who was struck ill. With a heavy cold which completely debilitated him, he spent most of the week in bed and we spent most of the week within a short distance to make sure he was OK. And as a contingency plan, one of our cats was given an abscess just as a precaution.
Gone were the planned days out in Dorset, London and France. Instead, the furthest we went was to Portsmouth, 18 miles away, where my beloved insisted on taking me to the top of the Spinnaker Tower - a prospect which, given my fear of heights, was as welcome as an evening in the company of Nick Griffin and his close family.
The fact that, once there, I really enjoyed the experience, was one in the eye for whoever's attempting to ruin any time I have to myself.
I will not get a proper 'holiday' in 2009. And given my stance on religion I have to take it on the chin. But what about my wife and kids?
I'm not sure they're all atheists. And while Jackie (Mrs B) is definitely anti-fascist she's very pro-monarchy - which leads to some interesting 'discussions' in our house. So I think she's been a little hard done by.
So let me make this clear now. In order to ensure a decent family holiday in 2010 I am prepared to make a pact with the Devil. Or the other fella. Just as long as they promise to leave us alone in future.
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