Av' it!

Sorry to go on about football again – but if, like me, you’re a Pompey fan, there hasn’t been a great deal to shout about this season.

Reaching the FA Cup semi-final is a hell of an achievement for a club in our situation. But what may mean more to the club in the long-term is the attitude and mentality of the players and manager.

Harry Redknapp may have won us promotion and an FA Cup, but he never truly ‘got’ what it is to be Pompey. In his few months at the club, Avram Grant certainly has.

In last week’s Observer, one Pompey fan, Mick Dunford, said Grant was already more popular than Redknapp had been even in his pomp.

Several people of my acquaintance scoffed at that statement – but they may have to eat their words now. Grant is achieving Alan Ball-like status among the supporters – and that’s saying something.

Ballie was a God. He knew about the lifeblood of the club – he understood what it meant to have an island mentality (remember Pompey are the only professional football club in England based on an island).

That ‘siege mentality’ – call it what you will – is back – and Avram Grant, gets it, believes in it and has bought into it. And it seems he has instilled it in his players.

Even if we go out of the FA Cup at the next stage and get relegated, it is that inherent spirit which will keep the club alive in the Championship and beyond – wherever that might be.

And for that reason alone Avram Grant can hold his head higher than Redknapp ever could…

One off the wrist

I have written before about the travails of my walk to work every morning but it took on a new, sinister turn this morning ... well it's all relative.

If you are not au fait with my walk to work, let me elucidate: the last 600 or so yards are on a road with no pavement which is busy with people travelling to work at the offices of East Hants District Council.

I'm no string bean, therefore if I'm walking on the road, facing incoming traffic, cars often have to slow down to allow traffic coming from the other direction to pass before pulling out to overtake me.

Quite often they don't look too happy about it. And understandably so: the extra five or six seconds it takes probably means they have to park one space further away from the main entrance.

But this morning one man decided he wasn't prepared to wait. With a look of grim determination on his face he actually accelerated towards me in an attempt to get through before the opposing vehicle. He did not veer out at all and clipped my wrist with his wing mirror.

I was so shocked I didn't have the nous to take down his registration number. I almost forgot to mouth the word 'tosser' after him as well, but somehow regained my demeanour in order so to do.

This shaven-headed moron - you know the type: probably keeps a Staffordshire bull terrier in order to make up for the fact he has the intellectual capacity of a tub of cottage cheese - has made a rod for his own back.

If I see him coming again in the next few weeks I will ensure he hits me square on - at 20-plus stone I'll do some damage to his car plus I have the number for Ambulance Chasers Direct programmed into my mobile.

Your days are numbered muppet!

BBC report - could do better apparently

Mark Thompson's admission that the BBC will close various parts of the organisation to concentrate on doing "fewer things better" has been met with pleasure and pain - at least in my head.

The thought that the Beeb could start making some decent programmes again while dumping all the tedious reality TV effluent, brought a smile to my face.

I was, however, disappointed to learn that BBC6 radio is under threat. I don't listen to it very often but when I do I find it far superior to the vacuous nonsense churned out by Radio1. And I would imagine a lot of people will feel similarly disposed to the BBC Asian Network. I've always been partial to a bit of bhangra meself...

I'm just glad that the excellent BBC7 has apparently escaped the cull. But as much of its programming is repeats of classic radio series I would imagine it's quite cheap to produce. The ideal radio station one would imagine.

Perhaps BBC3 TV should be turned over solely to re-runs of classic comedies and dramas, providing a popular yet cost-effective channel. It'd be great to see things like Colditz, Secret Army, The Brothers, and Are You Being Served etc again. 

The club is dead - long live the club

So then, Pompey are finally on the brink of administration.


I'm neither surprised, nor, strangely, perturbed. If at the end of tedious process we still have a football club to follow then I'll be reasonably happy. I've spent too long worrying about the possibility of folding all-together to lose sleep over a nine-point deduction, relegation and the interminable coming and going of potential new owners.


For some time now this club has been a joke. No, a real joke. Four owners in a season and we still can't play the players? Get outta here! We're a laughing stock - and rightly so.


Hopefully somebody with a bit of financial nous, you know Nick Leeson or somebody, can bring us out of administration, and let us get on with life in the Championship.


And do you know, many of us will enjoy it all the more. The Premiership was supposed to be Nirvana, but too often it ultimately proved to be dull and predictable. And certainly prohibitively expensive.


So we won the FA Cup. I was there. It was my birthday. It was a good day. I never expected us to win the FA Cup in my lifetime. But when I think about it, I enjoyed more the day at Huddersfield's Leeds Rd in the mid-80s when we failed to get promoted on the last day of the season.


I certainly enjoyed it more on January 3, 1988, when we won 2-0 at The Dell against all the odds.


I certainly had more fun at Northampton in May 1980 when we went up from the old fourth division. And the visit to Liverpool in 1980 was better than any subsequent clash against the 'mighty' reds - and, truth be known, that cup final day.


Much of it may be down to the fact that as I have got older my priorities have changed; that my passion isn't quite as intense as it used to be. That's as may be.


But I also can't deny that the sanitised version of football, as corporate entertainment, that is served up these days is just not as enjoyable as it used to be. That's why I so enjoy non-league football currently.


So I'm pragmatic about it. It was fun for a while, but we became the Premier League's Icarus and fell to earth injured. Hopefully we can be patched up again, because I reckon there's more fun to be had back down on earth than flying around the Premier League universe.


Bugger Old Trafford and the Emirates. There are clubs in the league now that we have never even played. Bring 'em on and let's fulfil the new 92 club. And start enjoying our football again.

Now lay off...

Four blogs in a day? Surely that should satisfy those Bunky hungry media whores at Petersfield Newswire...

It just doesn't add up

I Tweeted about this earlier so given my Tiger Woods-style apology (see Newswire takes a pop) below I thought I'd chunter on about it here as well.

I received an email this morning from Pompey (Portsmouth Football Club, for the uninitiated) which may offer a pointer as to why the club has so woefully mismanaged its finances over the past few years.

The subject line of the email boasted: Half-price sale on Hero printing - save up to 60%.

Only at Fratton Park...

Just the ticket

I today bought tickets for my son's school's production of Little Shop of Horrors.

The adult tickets cost £12 apiece, so the show must be bloody good; after all my wife and I watched the excellent Shaun Williamson star in the equally impressive stage production of Porridge last weekend where the tickets cost us a mere £10 each.

The lead in the school production might not be as instantly recognisable as Barry from Eastenders, but he still has his fair share of fans. His name? Sam Bowers.

Newswire takes a pop

I've been exceedingly lax - and I apologise.

I've been Tweeting a lot lately but have neglected my blog. I enjoy blogging but have discovered Tweeting takes less time as one-liners are easier to fire out at will. And Will's getting hacked off about it...

And it would appear he's not the only one. I'm a regular follower of the excellent Petersfield Newswire - well I would be as they are mates of mine - and one of the guys sent me a Newswire-style story about my own site.

I've included it here for your delectation. Don't forget to check out their site for more. It's worth it...

Blog off

Petersfield residents have been mourning the sad demise of popular blog, Spunky’s Musings.

The witty and cutting-edge column written by self-confessed ‘fat herbert’ David Bowie has not been updated for the best part of a month and only spluttered into life on a few occasions this year.

"It’s a sad loss," said Bloggers’ Monthly spokesman Mr I Wright-Rubbish. "It always brightened my day to read some self-deprecating comment about Spunky’s weight loss, his kids ridiculing him, or the latest news on the farce that was once Portsmouth FC.

"My own personal feeling is that he was too upset over the Tiger Woods affair to carry on blogging. Either that, or he just couldn’t be arsed."

A spokesman for Petersfield Town Council, Bobby Bear, added: "At least it lasted longer than his stint with us…"

Couldn't be arsed? How very dare he...

A tale of two captains

So then, now we know.

Missing a drugs test and elbowing an opponent in the face is not as serious as bedding a team-mate’s missus. At least in the view of England boss Fabio Capello.

I have to admit to a little disappointment that Capello opted for Rio Ferdinand after he had – correctly in my view – stripped John Terry of the England captaincy.

Ferdinand also has a chequered past including an eight-month ban for missing a drugs test, a year’s ban from driving after being convicted of drink-driving, and three other driving bans. He is, of course, currently serving a four-match suspension for elbowing an opponent in the face and I would regard him as no more suitable a role model than Terry.

He's also not the brightest, and will probably believe somebody's died when he's passed the armband.

The vice-captain now is Steven Gerrard, and, as we all know, he’s hardly a paragon of virtue.

England’s first-choice back-four makes interesting reading if you subscribe to the theory that international footballers have an obligation to set a decent example for youngsters.

Glen Johnson, convicted of theft; Terry and Ferdinand, see above; and Ashley Cole, a money-grabbing solipsist.

So there you have it. Potentially the top ‘role model’ in our defence is a self-aggrandising whinger who believed an offer of £55,000 per week from Arsenal was “taking the piss”.

A man who was booed and jeered by England fans for his attitude and performance in a home international against Kazakhstan.

It’s a sad state of affairs when an objectionable little Herbert like Cole is held up as some sort of footballing ideal. Bobby Moore and Jimmy Dickinson must be spinning in their graves.

So should we simply disregard the idea that footballers have a moral obligation to set an example to their young fans? I don’t think so.

Anybody in their position, be it in football, tennis, golf (are you listening Tiger?) or pop music has an obligation to behave in a decent manner, the same as the rest of us. Maybe even more so.

But if we don’t ignore their misdemeanours are we in danger of not having anybody left to wear the captain’s armband? What a mess the game is in.

More holiday news

You'll be delighted to hear that we have booked a holiday. Finally.

We're going to Turkey. Neither Jackie nor I have been there before, yet, bizarrely all three boys have gone there with their 'other' parent.

Now that is a sign of the times we live in...

I just want a holiday...

It’s all too much.

Many years ago when I first booked a holiday with my then girlfriend, we sent off for some brochures, decided a place in Paignton looked OK, and went there for a week.

OK, we were above the hotel’s nightclub but you soon got used to listening to Haircut 100 and Modern Romance at 2am.

Nowadays, the information superhighway presents you with so many more options, so that when my wife and I look for a holiday in Turkey, there’s just too much to take in.

I now find myself looking at video reviews of the hotel and finding stuff to criticise: like the fence being a bit ‘POW Camp’ – what are they trying to keep out? Or the fact there only appears to be one slide into the pool which means the kids will be moaning about queueing.

And if there’s no video to view, pasting the name of the hotel into Tripadvisor.com throws up tales of woe about how the concierge turned into a werewolf every Friday night and regurgitated lobster to entertain the kids.

There’s just far too much choice and information.

I just want a nice peaceful hotel, with swimming pools and a nearby beach and some decent weather thrown in.

Is it too much to ask?

My time has come...

I really need to lose weight. To those of you who know me personally that won't come as too much of a shock to read.

Indeed my wife and kids have been on at me for ages to lose weight. The kids want me to play football with them and my wife thinks our petrol costs will go down.

My own moment of clarity came a few minutes ago when I viewed a website which featured one of many 'lose weight' adverts running currently.

This one featured 'before' and 'after' images of a guy's torso ... and I thought to myself that I'd be more than happy to have the 'before' body.

That is when you know the time is right ...

Jacob and his quote of many colours

Pompey director Mark Jacob should have a new name. Perhaps he should be known as Joseph, for he has a quote of many colours.

Take this quote in The News: "At the Arsenal game, there were chants which left Ahmed Al Faraj (the brother of Ali Al Faraj) - who watched the game on the internet - most upset. Mr Al Faraj feels supporters do not see - or haven't been told perhaps - what has happened since October and it was like a pressure cooker that had suddenly exploded. Then there was the protest after the Coventry game.

"Quite clearly that is the supporters' prerogative, but I was most upset and disappointed. I sincerely hope that does not happen again given the strides this club has achieved over the last few months."

Supporters often feel quite differently of course. Take this quote from a protest about the board at White Hart Lane a few years back.

“We feel we are justified in expressing these opinions and if a public apology is not given we call upon every Tottenham supporter to continue to support the team - but not the board.

"The TAG (Tottenham Action Group) have started a petition calling for [Sir Alan] Sugar to either back manager George Graham with cash for top quality signings, or quit the club.”

The angry fan? Some bloke called Mark Jacob. He's a lawyer you know...

Don't get me started...

I heard on Radio 4 this morning that Gordon Brown's Government is planning to give away free laptops to low-income families.

I was fascinated.

According to the report I've just checked out: "More than 270,000 free laptops with broadband will be given away to low income familes under a new Government scheme."

How lucky for them. My wife and I both work full-time yet only last week I was contemplating cancelling my broadband because we were trying to trim costs and there seemed little point having something that our six-year-old computer struggled to cope with.

The only reason for keeping it was that my wife and our two boys need it to access information from work, school and college. Apparently her work, and their school and college all rely on people having an internet connection at home. So what happens if you don't?

Does she get fired for not having access to emails? Are they kicked out of school for not being able to download their course notes? Probably not, but I don't see either the schools or places of employment offering to pay to keep them connected.

Thankfully, of course, we could now give up our jobs and get a free laptop and broadband, but we'd have no jobs with which to maintain connectivity.

I'm all in favour of helping low-income families, but shouldn't the help be offered in a more prosaic manner, rather than in the form of what really should be considered a luxury item?

Next thing we'll be hearing that as they struggle to get to job interviews they'll all be supplied with a 4x4.

The Labour party should remember the premise behind its formation. Admittedly there are a lot of low-income families at work, or wanting to work, but there are also a lot of people who simply can't be arsed. Why should they get the chance to watch an unbuffered BBC iplayer when I don't...?

Wake me up before you grit

From the Portsmouth News.

She said: 'The snow started coming down at Hindhead and then as soon as we got to Petersfield, it was like "wham", nobody was moving. It was scary.'

That Andrew Ridgely always was a lazy bugger, but I'm disappointed in George...

Isn't it ironic? (copyright Alanis Morissette)

I see the PFA's Nick Cusack has accused Pompey of "damaging the integrity of football..."

Do you think in the early 1940s in Berlin, somebody spoke out against Adolf Hitler, suggesting he was damaging the credibility of Nazis?

It's hard to damage credibility when there is so little to start with.

Down to the bare bones (copyright H Redknapp)

Sounds like Pompey have already sold off most of their highly-paid squad if this intro from today's ESPN soccer blog is anything to go by...

"It is becoming such a frequent occurrence that the average football fan is in danger of becoming desensitised to the news that Portsmouth have once again failed to pay their player."

Anybody got a chopper?

If you've seen any tv news or listened to the radio this morning, you can't help but notice that my home town of Petersfield is currently the centre of the snowbound universe.

We haven't had this much attention since the plane crash, our last murder or the time a young woman's body was found by the side of the A3. Hopefully this won't have the same consequences as any of those.

One of the parents from our youngest's football team has been stuck on the A3 at the Ham Barn roundabout for nearly six hours and has featured on both radio and tv. What a media whore!

I spoke to him just now and, not surprisingly, he sounds really tired. He finished work at Heathrow at 1am and should really be in a deep slumber by now.

His only request was that if somebody could airlift him a bacon sarnie it would be very much appreciated. Good luck Andy.

Enough Tiger hunting already...

I like to think I keep up with the news but it would appear that during my hibernation period between Christmas and new year, the world's number one golfer was revealed as having locked up a young girl in his cellar for three years, forced her to have his children and then ritually diembowelled them all.

Or is it just that Tiger Woods' serial philandering has driven the commercial world into a moral frenzy?

The latest commercial entities to distance themselves from Woods include AT&T and Golf Digest, which has, and I quote a news report, 'pulled Woods' column' - "they weren't the first," insisted a colleague, before nipping off round the back of the bike shed to have a quick fag.

Surely enough is enough? The bloke's been a pillock, a knob, a complete b*****d if you insist - but he hasn't killed anybody. Why are people treating him as a moral leper?

Many other high-profile figures have done far worse and received far less condemnation.
Some have retained their advertising deals and continue to prosper.

Nobody has a higher profile in this country - apart maybe from those funny-haired twins on X Factor or Susan Boyle - than the royal family. Both the Prince of Wales and Princess Di had affairs - one will still be king and the other will 'always be the Queen of hearts' according to royalists.

David Beckham admitted to an affair - the country still loves him. There are constant rumours of the serial philanderings of more than one well-respected tv presenter, yet contracts still come their way despite their employers knowing of their dalliances. 

Let's draw a veil over it now. Tiger Woods slept around OK? He's been a fool. He's not to be trusted when it comes to women. But he's no Warren Beatty - not yet, anyway.

But he is a fantastic golfer and for those of us who enjoy golf, he will be sorely missed all the time he has to go into hiding while this media circus ("Woohoo circus!" - Homer Simpson) continues.

Let's get on with our lives and allow the Woodses to get on with theirs, whether together or apart. There must be something else about which we can get on our soapbox. Doesn't that ice-dancing crap on ITV start again soon...?

It's my own pleasure I'm ruining

I enjoyed Wednesday's BBC dramatisation of Henry James' Turning of the Screw, but admit to failing to take it seriously from early on.

Despite the enjoyable production I ruined it for myself during the scene where the governess went to meet young Miles at the station.

As the steam and smoke cleared to reveal young Miles resplendent in his school uniform complete with a top hat atop a shock of bright blond hair, I said out loud: "Blimey, it's a young Boris Johnson."

From that moment on, any scene that featured 'young Boris' was tainted by me adding my own words in an admittedly appalling impression of the likeable buffoon.

Happy new year by the way...