The World Cup's Webb of lies and intrigue

Midfielder Mark van Bommel responds to criticism of the Dutch style of play

English ref Howard Webb has been lambasted by the Dutch coach, Bert van Marwijk, following Spain’s 1-0 victory in the World Cup final.

Van Marwijk was critical of Webb’s handling of the game which saw a record number of yellow cards issued.

The Dutch boss said: “The Englishman ruined the game. At no stage did he attempt to stop the Spanish players from hitting my players’ studs with their chest, hitting their boots with the backs of their calves, or using their shinpads to rake the soles of my players’ boots.

“It was outrageous to allow a team that passed a ball that quickly to win.”

Webb was not intimidated by the finger-wagging he received afterwards from van Marwijk, saying: “I’m a policeman from Rotherham so being confronted by an angry bloke called Bert is not a unique experience.”

A FIFA spokesman said: “His name’s Bert? We thought he was a Dick!”

Ole! It's Spain for me

I'd like to say this has been the best World Cup in living memory, but obviously I can't.

Not simply because England were inept - it just never seemed to engender the same excitement as previous competitions.

However, tomorrow's final does have the potential to go down as a classic, featuring two teams with a reputation for good football - classic football in the Spanish case.

And it's the Spaniards I want to win because I consider myself - maybe pretentiously - a football purist.

I thoroughly enjoyed watching them play keep-ball against the Germans even though, like many others, I was urging them to show more of a killer instinct in and around the box.

I have nothing against the Dutch per se - indeed in 1974 and 1978, as a kid, I was heartbroken when they failed to win the World Cup. Like many of my generation I was enthralled by the likes of Cruyff, Neeskins, Krol, Rensenbrink and Rep. Superb players allowed a freedom the like of which we may not see again.

And that's the crux. That golden generation failed to win the World Cup - and it would be wrong for this Dutch team to succeed where they failed. They pale in comparison.In the same way that it would have been wrong for John Terry and Wayne Rooney to have been elevated to the stature of Sirs Bobby Moore and Geoff Hurst. Unimagineable.

Robben, for all his undoubted ability, is a big girl's blouse, or a cheat if you prefer. Van Bommel and de Jong are quite simply thugs. Both should have received straight red cards at some stage in this tournament, yet both will probably feature tomorrow night.

No, the Spanish are the natural torch-bearers for Cruyff and Rinus Michels' Total Football generation - just look at how offensive are the full-backs.

Nailing colours to the mast: I want Spain to win. Apart from anything else, I've got money on them...

Crosby stills gnashing teeth (Tenuous pun!)

Not that I plan on watching GM:tv in the future - not now I've converted Mrs B to the delights of BBC Breakfast - but I'm delighted to hear my one-man campaign for the removal of the vacuous Emma Crosby has succeeded.

Reports today indicate the airhead has been axed from the show aimed at vacuous airheads. Watching her trying to conduct a serious interview was akin to watching Wayne Rooney discussing the merits of dark matter with Stephen Hawking.

The Chiles/Bleakley partnership might even lure me over to GM:tv, if there are no serious issues to be addressed. But even the delightful Christine looks out of place when dealing with difficult topics. I suppose that's what comes from knocking around with over-paid, overweight footballers*.

*Yes I know I am overweight too, but I don't pretend to be a talented, professional athlete. Or just an athlete. Or talented. Or even professional... 

Why do we demand club success for our national boss?

So if not Fabio Capello, who?

Harry Redknapp? Don’t make me laugh. His wheeler-dealing is hardly appropriate to international football and any Pompey fan will tell you his tactical acumen could be engraved on a pin-head with a pneumatic drill.

Roy Hodgson? Maybe. But why would a sensible man in his 60s take on the England job in preference to rejuvenating the sleeping giant at Anfield.

Jose Mourinho? Probably the ideal choice, but the suits at the Football Association are no more likely to appoint him than they were Brian Clough in the mid-70s. And we all know he was the right man then.

But why does an international manager need to be proven at club level? It seems only UK teams are fixated on that ideal.

I’ve looked at the careers of World Cup-winning managers in my years watching football and club success does not appear to be a priority.

Franz Beckenbauer had no real managerial experience before taking over the German national side in 1984 and six years later won the World Cup.

In the six years after he left the job he managed Olympique Marseille and Bayern Munich, collecting domestic titles along the way. But that was it. He’s had more marriages than club management jobs.

Carlos Bilardo won the World Cup in 1986 – and although he had Maradona in the side, which isn’t a bad position to be in, his club experience was limited to two spells at Estudiantes and brief stints at Deportivo Cali and San Lorenzo. And he didn’t pull up any trees there.

Italy’s Enzo Bearzot spent six years as coach to his country’s under-23 side before moving up and ultimately winning the World Cup in 1982. Before that he’d been manager for one season at Prato – no me neither, Prato having last reached the heights of Serie B in 1964.

César Luis Menotti (Argentina 78)? One league title in four seasons with Newell’s Old Boys and Huracán before being given the job.

Helmut Schön (West Germany 74)? A brief spell as manager of unfancied Wiesbaden, before spending four years as manager of a then-independent Saarland side, before becoming assistant to Sepp Herberger for the West German national team and succeeding him in 1964.

Four largely uneventful years as manager of Botafogo was all Mario Zagalo had on his managerial CV before taking over the Brazilian national side and taking them to glory in 1970 despite the much discussed personality issues within the camp.

Carlos Alberto Parreira had won nothing as a club manager before leading Brazil to glory in 1990. Instead it was his achievement in getting Kuwait into the World Cup finals which raised his stock. Subsequently he has, in total, taken five nations to the World Cup finals. He didn’t even play the game at a particularly high level.

Big Phil Scolari’s club management experience was extensive but much of it was spent outside of the mainstream football nations, in Kuwait and Japan, for example; though he did win titles in Brazil. But we know how successful he was at Chelsea and it is Premiership success that we – and particularly our knee-jerk football media – demand.

Frenchman Aimé Jacquet (1998) had a successful club career and obviously Marcello Lippi (Italy 2006) had an exceptional club career, but they are the exceptions. And we only have to look back a few days to see where Lippi is now.

So the next time somebody calls for David Beckham, Alan Shearer or Stuart Pearce to be given the job don’t automatically dismiss the suggestion out of hand.

Goodbye and good riddance

I was going to blog about England players' World Cup capitulation but I thought they couldn't be arsed, so why should I?

A lazy blogger - and a very sad tale

Just to confirm I'm an incompetent pillock, this is my first blog for nearly three weeks and I'm going to have written less than five per cent of it ... but with good reason.

I have chosen to pass on an email I received from a very good mate which tells - in words and pictures - a very sad tale. And illustrates perfectly, in my humble opinion, where we get things wrong in this country.

Surely some of the many millions of lottery handouts could have been directed to this very worthy cause.

Please pass on the tale to anybody you know. We can't let this pass without comment.

The email below was sent to me by leading photographer, ale critic and cocktail bar raconteur Steve Bailey (www.stevebaileyphotography.co.uk).

I headed over to Lasham on Sunday where there is the Second World War Aircraft Preservation Society (SWWAPS) ... or should I say was...

They have had to fold due to lack of funding and have sold off nearly all their aircraft. I was met at the perimiter fence by a diminutive old lady who had clearly been involved with SWWAPS for quite some time.

She told me about all the aircraft they used to have on display, how they had at one time hoped to renovate some of them, as well as how and why they were closing. They have already sold off most of their aircraft and only the dismantled remnants of a few remain. A very sad tale indeed.

The woman was standing next to the de Havilland Australia Drover Mk 2, the main fuselage of which lays on its belly beside the crumbling hut that for the time being remains the SWWAPS Headquarters.

She patted it and told me: "There are only a couple of aircraft left, including the flying doctor here."

This DHA-3 Drover Mk.2 became a part of QANTAS (Qantas Empire Airways) in 1952 and never actually served in the Royal Flying Doctors Service flight (registrations VH-EAZ and VH-EAS. After seven years service, it was shipped to the UK and reregistered G-APXX in December 1959, but would never fly again.

The aircraft was put on show in Southend in 1967 painted up in RFDS livery, carrying RFDS registration VH-FDT, that of a sister aircraft. That museum shut down in 1987 and the aircraft was donated to SWWAPS.

Behind the old lady, loaded on to a flat bed truck stood a once great Gloster Meteor (NF.13) now in pieces. She told me this was heading for Poland and was due to be picked up tomorrow.

The Gloster Meteor Mk. I made its first flight on 15th May, 1941. It had a maximum speed of 415 mph (667 km) and had a range of 1,340 miles. It was just over 41 ft long with a wingspan of 43 ft and armed with four 20 mm cannons.

The first 20 Meteors were delivered to the Royal Air Force in June 1944. The Mk. I saw action for the first time on 27th July, 1944 used as a defence against the German V1 Flying Bomb.

Armstrong Whitworth built Gloster Meteor NF.13, a version of the NF.11 designed for use in tropical climate in 1953. This particular aircraft serial WM366 (39 Squadron RAF), was sold to the Israeli Defence Force – Air Force in 1956 and became serial 4X-FNA. It was reclaimed from a desert graveyard before being brought to Lasham.

I'm not sure I should have been, but I was ushered through a barbed wire fence and told I could take a look around and as many photos as I wanted. The poor woman who I would imagine has dedicated many years to the Society seemed close to tears.

There remain a Royal Danish Air Force Hawker Hunter F51 (E-423), A Royal Air Force Gloster Meteor F8 (WH291) the last Meteor to see service with the RAF and the wings of another Royal Air Force F8 (VZ530). lashed to a tree and marked as "sold".

In the woods beside the SWWAPS offices and a little beyond the sold wings of the Meteor are some shell cases. Positioned in the woods and looking like a manifestation of spring, they rise from the ground as if they were meant to be there.

One further shell stands beside the SWWAPS HQ, it looks perfectly natural here among the flowers. I wonder if it will see through the summer.

Steve

A mountain out of a DIY molehill

I can't believe it's been more than a month since I last blogged. It's very remiss of me and I apologise.

But I have news: I am a DIY God!

Over the bank holiday weekend I managed to change a light fitting (electrical), fix a leaking cistern (plumbing), and oil a squeaking door (general maintenance).

OK, to the gifted DIY-er that may not seem much, but to somebody with my dextrous skills it's equivalent to climbing Everest. Maybe even more of an achievement, for I'm sure Lady Hillary didn't say to Sir Edmund, as an aside while re-potting some courgettes in the garden, "I know dear, why don't you go and climb Everest while I'm doing this?"

Hillary had some successful experience in mountaineering; I have myriad unsuccessful experiences in DIY. The house is testament to that. There are shelves off which books slip at regular intervals; a towel rail remains connected to the bathroom wall merely by virtue of the strength of a Rawplug; and numerous pieces of flat-pack furniture don't function correctly.

So while Lady Hillary's suggestion to her spouse might have received a "Right-ho darling!" and a "couldn't see him for dust" moment, my wife's demand - as opposed to 'suggestion' - was met by bemusement and panic in equal measure. And not only by me. Two teenage boys and two cats also appeared shocked by the prospect.

But I shocked everybody, myself included, by fulfilling each brief. Admittedly the light fitting needed a bit of improvisation, or bodging as it's known in certain circles, because the necessary replacement items did not appear to be available in the public domain.

But the light works. It occasionally sends a line of sparks shooting around the bathroom like a fairy wall-of-death rider, but so far the bathroom users have escaped serious injury.

And as a follow-up to my three-fold success over the weekend I have also managed a fourth DIY achievement in the field of construction. Having completed three tasks with no raised voices or hospital treatment I appear to have made a rod for my own back.

Mrs B now appears to have a list of further tasks all ready prepared for the next time she has to re-pot her home-grown veg.

A soap opera

I've been on holiday. And the bad news is I returned at midnight on Wednesday which means I avoided the flightpath shutdown and am able to return to blogging in my lunch-hour.

Maybe it's the cynic in me but after the debacle with the Icelandic banks my first reaction to hearing that one of the country's volcanos had erupted was that it was done for the insurance money.

I have spent much of the last two weeks pondering the subject of toiletries - so relaxed was I in Turkey that this was the only thing which could tax my mind.

Just before departing this sceptered isle for our annual break I had cause to feel that manufacturing standards in soap had dropped.

In all the years I have used Imperial Leather soap I have always marvelled at the technical excellence which allows that little foil label in the centre to remain attached right to the death. The soap is actually smaller than the label by the time it is necessary to peel it off.

It is something of which the British should be rightly proud. At least that's what I thought until the morning of my departure from these shores when, scrubbing away 24 hours of grime from my corpulent flesh, I realised the little metallic foil label had slipped off my day-old bar of Imperial Leather.

If ever there was a microcosm of the effect of the economic downturn on the British manufacturing industry, surely this was it. Thirty-odd years of soapy awe was washed away in that instant, and subsequently disposed off in a handful of plughole hair and other washroom detritus.

Fur coat and no knickers - that's the state of the toiletries industry currently. Fresh on the (admittedly clean, soft and fragrant) heels of my anionic surfactant-based epiphany came a brush with my en-suite nemesis: shower gel.

I'm not a big fan of shower gel as it never seems to have all washed off. I'm always left with the feeling that I just need to rinse off one more time - making it seven or eight in total.

But for convenience I decided to take on holiday a brand of shower gel bought for me as a gift by my son. I shouldn't advertise so let's just say this particular brand is named after a big cat and apparently makes women go wild with desire - it didn't have that effect on the air stewardesses on the flight back, however, though the chief steward kept winking at me.

It contained - according to its particular 'flavour' - various exotic fruits from far-off lands. It smelt wonderful but it had a grainy texture which, if you weren't careful, could have unpleasant effects. There are, as a man, one or two areas into which grainy bits should not be allowed.

While on the face of it, the shower gel looked and smelt wonderful it did leave its mark as an irritant with its wholegrain mustard texture. There is no cause to have 'bits' in toiletries unless you really are including the bark of the paw-paw tree in the ingredients.

Labels sliding off my Imperial Leather and bits of pine nut in my shower gel? Whatever next? I might as well scrub myself down with a scouring pad but I suppose the current laissez-faire attitude towards the manufacture of British cleansing products would suggest that would have the longevity of a soggy Shredded Wheat...

Go west young man - and freeze to death

For the benefit of Mr Kite and others who don't take the Petersfield Post, here's my feature on the recent trip west with Petersfield Town Juniors under-15s...

It would not come as too much of a surprise to learn that scientists gather annually in a holiday park in Aberystwyth to unearth the reasons behind why it is unique on earth in having caravans colder on the inside than the atmosphere outside.

It may be of course that the caravan we stayed in over the Bank Holiday weekend contains an anomaly in the space-time continuum and that it contains, in some small parts, pieces of the planet Jupiter. Certainly, its use as a time-travelling vehicle would not come as a surprise to the seven of us forced to endure it. It dated from the 80s and probably hadn’t been cleaned since just after.

When Howard Carter broke through into Tutankhamun’s tomb there was less dust than there was in our toilet. And there were homeless winos in Aberystwyth shop doorways who could dribble with more velocity than our shower provided.

I wouldn’t blame you if you shrugged and said “Well it’s your fault for going to Aberystwyth…”

But we had little choice. That was where the Welsh International Football Festival was being played and Petersfield Town Juniors under-15s were flying the flag for England. Or so we thought. When we de-camped to the bar on the opening night we found that Purbrook Youth under-16s were also taking part. But the English were not there in force other than a few stragglers.

I believe we drew the short straw with the caravan. And not just because we had to share with Nurse Gladys (Andy, the team physio). To be fair to Gladys, he did superbly as chef, earning himself the nickname of Hiroshima, after the condition of the kitchen when he’d finished every day.

He even managed to work out how to light the gas fire, which entailed taking it apart and rebuilding it from scratch every time you wanted some heat.

Others, however, seemed reasonably happy with their accommodation.

Ours was more damp than an otter’s pocket. My brand new paperback had curled and crumpled after only a day in the bedroom. At least it was called a twin bedroom. What it actually contained was a set of parallel bars with some padding on them. Beds aren’t naturally that narrow. And neither am I. I’m sure in a previous occupancy they may have doubled as bookshelves.

The discomfort of my first night balancing precariously on this ‘bed’ - though I prefer to think of it as a razor blade - was exacerbated by having a sleeping bag that was a) broken; and b) a child’s version.

My step-son Ben was apparently aware of both these facts when he helped me pack it into the car but didn’t deem it worth passing on the information.

And the bar didn’t sell pear cider. So I was not in the best of moods when the football started on Saturday. It was cold and windy. Naturally, it was Wales. But at least it wasn’t raining - no wonder the principality’s residents aren’t too concerned about global warming.

“Poor old Dave,” said trip organiser Maria. “You don’t look very pleased to be here.” A very shrewd woman is Maria.

On the plus side, my third and final night in our temporary gulag could be spent on a double bed as the previous night’s occupants planned to travel home a day early, on Sunday evening, after the cessation of footballing hostilities.

But wouldn’t you know it - never trust teenage boys - they only went and won the thing. Everybody was so delighted that we planned to spend the evening celebrating, so the early departure plans were scrapped.

It meant Ben and I had to return to the parallel bars for one more night. Belatedly I discovered that a night celebrating - albeit without pear cider - is a panacea for bed problems.

Not such good news for Ben though, who complained next morning that I snored like a burglar alarm in a fog-horn factory and that he’d got very little sleep.

Serves him right. If he hadn’t scored in the final I might have been spread out on a double bed.

Why I can't give them my vote

From left: Captain Cock-up, The Cable Guy and la-di-da Boy Scout Graham

For as long as I can remember, my wife and I have had differing political views.

She is a lifelong Conservative, while I - a trade union member since the age of 14!* - was either SDP, Lib-Dem or Labour depending on where my vote would damage the Tories most.

But this year we have at least agreed on one thing: that neither of us feel comfortable voting for either of the major parties.

That came home to us while watching Channel 4's I'm a Potential Chancellor ... Yes It's Hard to Believe Isn't it? last night. Actually she watched all of it, I just enjoyed edited highlights.

Just looking at the three of them up there - Alistair Darling, George Osborne and Vince Cable - was enough to turn me off.

One looks, admittedly, like a politician, though he's unlikely to get the opportunity to be chancellor even in a hung parliament. Of the others one looks like he should be the nemesis of children's TV legend Captain Scarlet, while the second looks like a boy scout who's having to face the music after being caught in a compromising position with his troop leader.

Bizarrely they all speak like that as well...

The Tories apparently - according to political commentators - regarded Osborne's appearance as a 'success' on the basis he did not make any gaffes. They can't do much about their concern that he is 'very posh'. Cripes Bunter! That gives us a great deal of confidence.

It should be of grave concern to the Tories that after 13 years of Labour rule, David Cameron is not way ahead in the polls. The fact that he is not Gordon Brown, is now, apparently, not seen as sufficient to drive people to vote Conservative.

How inadequate must the Tories be? I voted for Blair and even I've had enough of Labour after 13 years!

It was the former French leader Georges Clemenceau - not Winston Churchill incidentally - who said "Not to be a socialist at 20 is proof of want of heart; to be one at 30 is proof of want of head."

I'm now 46 and must be wanting in the head because I'm still left-leaning and have a social conscience. But I'm a lot closer to the centre than I was previously. And many of my contemporaries are, indeed, now right of centre.

But is it a change of social awareness or just the fact we get more cyncial as we get older? I certainly feel it's the latter. I'm much more cynical about everything to do with politics than I was 25 years ago. And I no longer have the motivation nor the inclination to protest strongly or to write a letter of ill-informed complaint to my local newspaper about whatever gets my goat.

I'm sure the urge to write the letters will resurface when I get to about 60 though.

The crux of the matter for me is that I simply don't trust people in high office. I don't believe what they say and always feel there is an ulterior motive in everything they do that I agree with. I would not be surprised if other people of my generation were similarly inclined.

Which is why at 46 rather than wanting of head, many of my ilk just say "I don't really give a 4X, just cut my taxes and go ahead and sell arms to oppressive regimes and stamp on the minorities."

So, come the end of May George Osborne will be our Chancellor of the Exchequer and everybody will be fondly remembering Harry Enfield's Tim 'Nice-But-Dim' character.

Me? I'm voting Green. Tax cuts simply can't help our budget deficit and poor old Vince Cable hasn't got a hope. At least I know the Greens will do my protesting for me while I stir my Horlicks.

*If you must know I started with the National Union of School Students ... and never looked back

That's yer lot you slag!

I see ITV is to axe The Bill after 27 years - and about time too in my opinion.

They should have called a halt to it in the mid-to-late 90s when Frank Burnside moved on. It used to be must-watch TV but in the 90s it became apparent there were more psychotics and criminals working FOR the police in Sun Hill than on the streets of Canley.

Instead of giving us an idea of what was it like to be pounding the streets it turned into Emmerdale for Plod. It was yet another sad indictment of the way TV was heading, pandering constantly to the lowest common denominator.

I bet you didn't realise that The Bill was partially responsible for the rise in popularity of rubbish like I'm Desperate for Publicity Look at Me. But that's the sort of inside info you get when you read this blog...

PS My The Bill claim to fame is that I went to school with the guy who played PC Able (Mark Haddigan) and that one of my mates went to school with Jim Carver (Mark Wingett) who broke my mate's ankle while playing football. Tenuous or what?

An extra topping of menu please...

Tucked in among the office post this morning were three envelopes marked for ‘The Pizza Connoisseur’ The Azalea Group, etc, etc.

Not surprisingly they landed on my desk. I can’t argue for, in the past, I have been known to order a delivery pizza for my lunch when I have been feeling extremely stressed.

What was more surprising, however, was that each of the envelopes – which all carried a second-class stamp – contained an identical Papa John’s menu.

Three of them. On the same day.

Papa John’s menus are the commonest form of junk mail in Petersfield. On average each household receives 1.4 metric tonnes of Papa John’s menus per annum. To counteract this, the local council has upped its recycling collection while allowing Domino’s Pizza to open nearby and set about doubling the tally.

But previously, they were just shoved through the letterbox by kids who were already delivering free papers – thus there was an automatic QA traceable route from letterbox straight to recycling bin.

But now they’re posting them to us, three at a time, teasingly addressed to the Pizza Connoisseur. It’s a subtle marketing ploy. And it may just work.

Ooooh!! Buy one get one free… Mmmmm!

Don't, don't, don't believe the hype...

I'm at a loss to understand how people think Pompey being allowed to 'sell' players outisde of the transfer window gives the Fratton club an 'advantage'.

If they were buying players, yes, I could understand it then. But knowing they are to lose their star players in a couple of months is hardly going to improve the strength of the current squad.

And let's be clear, on the face of it, the only exceptional thing about this 'special permission' is that the money will change hands.

Pre-contract deals between clubs and between clubs and players are often signed 'outside' of the transfer window. They're just not made public. 

Look at the conditions which are being applied.

1. Players may be sold to other Premier League Clubs but may not play first team football for the new club before the end of the season.

2. Players may be sold to a Football League or foreign club, subject to Fifa's approval .

3. Portsmouth FC may enter into an agreement with another Premier League, Football League or foreign club that a player will be transferred to that other club in the summer.

So, effectively, unless the players are allowed to play for their new clubs immediately under 2 - and that should not be permitted - the only difference is that money will change hands. Money which will go a long way towards preserving a grand old football club for future generations.

I am, however, puzzled as to how any players 'bought' by another Premier League club might be 'loaned' back to us for the remainder of the season. Do we not already have the maximum number of allowable loans?

Don't buy into the media hype. This isn't that unusual and it certainly doesn't give us an advantage. If we were looking to gain an advantage we should have sold one or two of them in bloody August! South Africa's captain my a***!

Whatever happened to frivolous youngsters?

Every day, my life is brightened up slightly when the email from Petersfield Newswire arrives with that day's 'story'.

I know the guys involved and we share the same sense of humour, so we all appreciate the same things about our little market town of Petersfield.

However, it would appear not everybody thinks the same. When I had a look at the site a few minutes ago I was amazed by the reaction - and subsequent comment - of a reader to yesterday's post about mephedrone.

Teenagers are accused of many things but I certainly didn't think being humourless would be one of them.

Press A and F1 together for failure

When England fail to qualify for the 2022 World Cup finals – and they will – the finger of culpability should not be pointed at the manager.

The blame will rest squarely with Sony, Microsoft and Nintendo.

Instead of being outside playing football or watching Match of the Day and learning how things should be done, today’s teenage boys are beating each other over the net on FIFA 2010 or killing each other on Call of Duty – on their choice of Playstation3, Xbox, or Wii.

When I was 11 and watching every possible second of the 1974 World Cup finals from Germany, the great Johann Cruyff produced THAT turn in one of the games. Within minutes dozens of kids from our neighbourhood were out in the street attempting it.

One or two managed to perfect it – modesty prevents me from naming names – and it became part of their armoury (although as a keeper I seldom had a chance to use it).

When Jimmy Hill started to produce tactical match analysis on MotD I took it all in; I couldn’t get enough. I had a voracious appetite – and those who know me will confirm I still do, though more for onion bhajis than tactics nowadays.

Listening to people like Hill, the great Don Howe and Brian Clough pontificating on TV as to why team A failed to match team B’s formation, or how the central defensive partnership of team C was let down by its midfield, fascinated me.

I didn’t get to play at a particularly high level so this – and reading about it – was how I grasped the concept of tactics, positional play and the infamous Position Of Maximum Opportunity, as espoused by the equally infamous Charles Hughes – look him up kids!

I understood how John Beck’s theory worked and marvelled at the ‘Total Football’ – or tactical naïveté, the choice is yours – of the Dutch masters of the mid-70s.

But today, kids don’t give a glance to the analysis of Messrs Hansen and Lawrenson and then wonder on a Sunday morning why they’re being asked why they were drawn out of position or failed to pick up the midfield runner.

However, if you asked them ‘which combination of buttons do you need to press to assign man-marking duties to a player on the Xbox version of FIFA?’ they’d know in a flash.

Somehow I think their sporting priorities are wrong.

A predictable Cheltenham quip

Cheltenham 2.40 - the Ryanair Chase, a grade one race registered as The Festival Trophy Chase.

A full field of 13 runners because the entry to the race is so cheap, but they have to pay extra for every fence they wish to jump...

Nope to Pope Hope

I notice the National Secular Society (NSS) is protesting the visit of Pope Benedict.

It seems remarkably narrow minded of a group so keen on freedom of choice and thought to object to such a trip, after all they claim to "...defend scientific rationalism, freedom of speech and Human Rights, standing for equality for all regardless of religious conviction or non-belief".

Isn't freedom of speech applicable to everybody?

I don’t agree with what the fella espouses either but he has the right to look daft surely?

Such intransigence does the cause of the NSS few favours … maybe I should protest their protest.

Wanted: a return to the spirit of the venture

Some time ago one of my colleagues suggested I join up to Freecycle (http://www.uk.freecycle.org/) – a website designed to reduce the amount going into landfill sites.

The idea behind the laudable scheme is (and I quote from the site) “… a grassroots movement of people who are giving (and getting) stuff for free in their own towns. Freecycle groups match people who have things they want to get rid of with people who can use them. Our goal is to keep usable items out of landfills.”

As I said, highly laudable. At the time of writing there are, apparently, 1,722,575 members signed up in the UK.

And, for the first few months I really felt they’d hit on something. I picked up a computer keyboard and speakers, which I needed, and the person 15 miles away didn’t.

I also managed to pass on our old IKEA TV and video cabinet, to a delighted chap from just up the road and pick up a few Dilbert books from a pleasant chap near the station.

However – you knew that was coming didn’t you? – in the last week or so I’m beginning to think the spirit of the thing is being lost; people are just looking to get stuff on the cheap rather than adhere to the ‘less waste principle’.

Increasingly the emails coming through are of the ‘wanted’ variety. Over the past few days I’ve seen requests for ‘X-Box or similar games console’; ‘mobile phone’; ‘double bed’; ‘shelter for small horse(!)’; ‘DVD’s’ (sic); ‘iPod – must be over 16GB(!)’; ‘laptop’; ‘golf clubs’; ‘sat-nav’; and ‘fridge and washing machine’.

In other words, stuff that people would, under any other circumstances, sell.

My favourite – although I had no need to enquire whether or not they were still available – was the offer of “10 bras, sizes 34 - 36 D & DD. I have a bag of 10 larger size bras all in very good condition in fact some I only ever wore once or twice. I didn't stay this size for long…”

The mind boggles.

I’m considering putting a wanted ad in myself: WANTED: winning lottery ticket. Must be worth more than £10,000. Would accept holiday in Maldives as an alternative.

Time to clamp down

One of the major news stories of the day is the chief inspector of constabulary's criticism of the way police deal with complaints of anti-social behaviour.

Our family has fallen victim to both anti-social behaviour and criminal activity in recent years, despite living in what might be considered a low-crime area.

On both occasions the perpetrators failed to be punished to any real extent. We hardly felt justice was done. Even when the police were 100 per cent supportive the courts failed to dish out what we - and the police - deemed a suitable punishment.

Indeed, one police officer involved expressed surprise that we hadn't taken the matter into our hands and dished out some personal retribution: "I would have done by now," he admitted.

Our problem is that in our post-war desire to ensure a liberal and caring society - a laudable aim it has to be said - we have gone way too far. Consecutive Governments and the EU have brought in so much legislation that the punishment seldom deters the crime.

The fact that Peter Sutcliffe is even contemplating asking for parole is an indication of that. He should know that for his crimes there never should be a chance of parole. 

Whenever you read or see anything about the Kray twins there's always some old East-ender who's prepared to stand up and say "but it was much safer to walk the streets in those days".

In no way am I advocating a return to the days of mobster rule, but it can not be denied that the punishments meted out by the twins and their entourage were deemed sufficient to persuade those of an unpleasant disposition to keep themselves to themselves: step out of line and you know what will happen!

It wasn't a case of the punishment fitting the crime, for that is an arbitary level determined by somebody in an Ivory Tower, and is liable to be changed at a whim. It was a case of the punishment being sufficient to PREVENT the crime.

And this is surely what's missing these days. It's a gamble; you might get caught and if you do what's the worst that can happen? A few hours' community service? A fine which you can probably pay weekly over a period of a few years?

That's hardly likely to act as a deterrent. However, a guaranteed loss of liberty and privileges might make them think twice. We should not be too concerned with their 'human rights', but concentrate more on the human rights of the victims. Like people's basic rights to live in their house, on their street, without gangs of rampaging yobs making their lives a misery, as was reported on Radio4 this morning. 

Clamping down on criminal or anti-social behaviour should not be regarded as fascism, any more than liberalism should be seen as defending the right of a thief to go about his business without fear of being struck by a home-owner's golf club.

I count myself as a liberal; I like the idea of a free society, but that society should be one in which we can live without fear of becoming a victim. I am at a loss to understand why so many victims are suddenly pariahs because they fight back.

If the country's Government and law courts supported their 'rights', the need to fight back would be reduced. It's about time the balance on our much-heralded scales of justice was corrected.

I hate my colleagues

Apparently I am prone to making rash generalisations and have let my diet slip because I had yoghurt and fresh fruit for breakfast.

This comes from a man who has to move around in the shower to get wet and who thinks anybody who doesn't exist on a diet of two bananas and a packet of Wotsits is a fat bastard. No generalisation there then.

He knows who he is and he's first up against the wall come the revolution ... the revolution led by people who buy their clothes at 'special' shops.