Government in protection racket

Following the controversial introduction of its new ‘vetting and barring’ scheme for parents and voluntary workers the Government plans to introduce a similar scheme to protect ministers and civil servants from journalists who are prone to ask pertinent questions.

This follows an incident on this morning’s Today programme on Radio 4 when veteran broadcaster John Humphrys completely destroyed the arguments of a civil servant who drew the short straw in the Children’s Ministry and was forced to attempt to defend the ‘vetting and barring’ scheme.

After Humphrys had driven the equivalent of a 12-wheeler through holes in the argument the Government issued a hastily constructed statement to ensure ministers and civil servants will no longer have to risk interview abuse.

A spokesman said: “We will be introducing the Standard Humphrys Interview Test (SHIT) which will require all journalists to submit to a test to see if they are experienced enough to ask questions which may illustrate flaws in Government policy. If they are they fail the test and will not be allowed to participate in discussions.

“Obviously this scenario is not in the interests of Government or its spokesmen, but it will be a proportionate, common sense system.

“It is not designed to stop interviews, merely to ensure that interviewers in these situations are ideally naïve, maybe even straight out of college, and will be suitably intimidated by the subject matter.

“It is essential that our ministers and spokesman are protected from serious questioning – nobody would want that in modern society. We all remember the tragic case of Michael Howard MP being grilled by Jeremy Paxman. The whole nation was sickened by this and it can not be allowed to continue.

“It will apply only when a representative is interviewed in a professional capacity with a recognised media outlet, however. A personal arrangement, for example a discussion in a pub when a minister gets abused for his expenses, would be outside the scheme.

“It will be a lot of work for Government departments and will mean Government offices will be full of SHIT . . . but that is not an unusual occurrence in the modern age.”

John Humphrys is 66.