The wisdom that comes with Government funding

I want to get Government funding to carry out studies into how university teams continue to get Government funding for studies which produce findings we already know.

I thought I'd give myself the title of professor of pointless studies at the University of the Bleedin' Obvious.

Why? Well largely because of a study released today which says that couples who share a bed may suffer problems as a result. This is hardly groundbreaking stuff is it?

Many couples of my acquaintance sleep in separate beds because one or other - both in my case - snore, nick the quilt, experience restless bouts of sleep, or have the need to wake at different times.

Having your sleep disturbed for any of these reasons - or myriad more I'm sure - is obviously not good for you. Yet, sleep specialist Dr Neil Stanley, of the University of Surrey, has presumably been funded to complete a 'study' that shows bed-sharing can cause rows over duvet-hogging or snoring and that the loss of sleep is unhealthy.

Thanks Doc, I'm glad you alerted me to that. For years I'd been wondering if there was any correlation between me not having any duvet and my propensity for snatching it back during the night to the consternation of Mrs B. Likewise my snoring and her desire to thump me and yell "Fer chrissakes shut-up!"

His study found a 50 per cent chance - now there's a coincidence! - that a partner would be disturbed during the night if the couple slept together. But merely eight per cent of couples in their 40s and 50s currently sleep apart. He should have spoken to some of my friends, they would have made for more impressive statistics.

Apparently the 'tradition' of the marital bed only came about as a result of the Industrial Revolution when people found themselves short of living space. Before that it was commonplace for married couples to sleep apart. Hardly surprising really.

The BBC report states that "In ancient Rome, the marital bed was a place for sexual congress but not for sleeping". And given the sort of 'sexual congress' enjoyed by the likes of Caligula it must have been a pretty big bed. It's hard to squeeze a horse into a normal divan.