Football fans have today been reeling in shock after Spurs manager Harry Redknapp displayed some humility during a press conference.
The inappropriately named ‘Appy ‘Arry, who has previously attempted to rewrite history by claiming to have discovered penicillin and been the first man on the moon, this week claimed to have been the best manager in the history of Portsmouth Football Club.
Though neither his wife Sandra nor son Jamie have publicly derided the family’s patriarch for his dubious claim, privately they are believed to be ‘ROTFL’ according to a text message sent to one of Redknapp’s tame Fleet Street sycophants.
A family source confirmed: “Everybody is starting to believe Harry may be down to the bare bones mentally. Some of the stuff he’s coming out with is ridiculous. Bob Jackson, of course, took Pompey to two back-to-back league titles without the aid of a sugar daddy pumping millions into the club.
“And Jack Tinn managed Pompey to a cup final victory in 1939 against the best team in England – not the second-best team in Wales.”
Redknapp has also this week claimed to have tried to save crisis club Portsmouth by introducing rich friends – believed to be stationery magnates; suggested he went to Spurs merely so Portsmouth could claim compensation from the White Hart Lane club; blamed the south-coast club’s demise on its former owner Sacha Gaydamak; and that he expects a warm reception from Pompey fans.
However, in a remarkable turnaround apparently inspired by watching an old episode of the Lone Ranger, in which a native American claimed that “white man speak with forked tongue” Redknapp* chose to come clean in this morning’s press conference.
“Actually I deserve all the abuse they will heap on me,” said an unusually coy Redknapp.
“I promised them I wouldn’t go to Southampton – then I did. I then said I was ‘Pompey till I died’ – then a week later went to Tottenham. And then I said I wouldn’t go back to Fratton Park for any of their players because that would be ungracious – and then I signed Defoe, Crouch and Krancjar.
“Basically I’m the most duplicitous man in English football and that’s quite an achievement ferrshure. After all I once claimed Yoshi Kawaguchi had the best distribution I’d ever seen when he signed for Portsmouth and then, after he was a huge flop, denied ever having seen him play and claimed no knowledge of him before his signing.
“I even tried to blame poor old Sacha Gaydamak for Pompey’s financial plight when it was me what spent all the money including giving £50k-a-week contracts to players what didn’t even play more than a dozen times for the club.
“But that’s me all over…”
Redknapp, whose face appeared more paper cut-out mask than normal, was then bundled off the stage by large minders to be replaced by a twitching lookalike.
Responding to a question about one of his back-room staff, the new Redknapp said: “Kevin who? Kevin Bond? Never ‘eard of ‘im mate. You must be confusing me wiv somebody else. Anyway, did I ever tell you how I mediated in the Cuban Missile Crisis…”
*A man wearing a paper Harry Redknapp mask has been arrested by police and will be charged with flagrant honesty. Around 50,000 Portsmouth residents are believed to be prepared to stand bail
Absolutely brilliant.
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