It makes me soooooooo angry

X Factor apparently got a record 14.8 million viewers last night – am I the only person in the country who detests this sort of show?

I can honestly say I’ve never watched a whole episode of X Factor, Britain’s Got Chavs, Pop Idol, How Do We Solve a Problem Like Maria?, I’m a Pillock Get Me Out of Here, or Big Brother.

Nor do I watch Come Dine With Me, How Shit is your House?, Wife Swap, Holiday Showdown, Honey I Should Have Shown the Kids Some Discipline or any of the myriad ‘reality’ tv shows the current channels seem intent on shoving down our throats.

They don’t need to shove them down my throat, as they already make me vomit.

On the occasions I have been forced – generally by She Who Must Be Obeyed or one of the kids – to endure five or 10 minutes of society’s flotsam and jetsam, I’ve generally had to leave the room to prevent myself launching into a foul-mouth tirade or throwing an expensive nick-nack through the screen of a not-inexpensive television set.

Andy Warhol obviously foresaw the parlous state of tv in the 21st century when he said: “In the future, everyone will be world-famous for 15 minutes.”

The trouble is, people aren’t even that ambitious. They’re quite happy to be seen on tv for just fleeting moment. With numerous video recording devices, and YouTube and Facebook upon which to publish them, an appearance of just a few seconds can be preserved for ever and regurgitated whenever the individual wants to make people think “what a knob!”

What will these people do with these clips? Will they really sit their grandchildren down on their knee in 50 years time and say “look at this Kylie, this is Grandad on Britain’s Got Talent; wasn’t I a complete ****?”

Yes Grandad. Yes you were. And there are thousands like you; and millions more who perpetuate the myth that it’s good to be a **** by watching you and laughing at your lack of intelligence.

One can only hope there is an afterlife and that when we arrive there St Peter tops up the number of such shows we have watched during our lifetime, calculates the hours of precious life we have wasted and punches us in the face once for every hour needlessly lost.

And I hope he’s got an arm like Mike Tyson’s…